Midnight Musing

No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a struggle within. Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him/her the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words. But I guess l am meant to learn life’s lessons the hard way. I am two women inside: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I’m victim to an everlasting Struggle.

"Struggle!" A rather unsettling word, huh? Well, for some it’s a word that drives them to excellence, others find it a word that overwhelms them with pressure, expectations and anxiety and the rest are simply clueless! And as surprising and baffling as it might sound, I've been a witness to almost all the three versions of ‘Struggle’ talked above. From the fleeting fantasies of a young girl to being a bubbly school going kid and to a more grounded and mature woman now, I’ve seen it all and believe it or not, the sweet-happy journey continues, still!

I keep wondering as to what is the ‘struggle’ against? Is it against: a person? Or some godforsaken thought of a spotless mind? a philosophical ideology that got skewed over time? Or is it that I’m fighting with my own self? 

As a kid, however never delved deeper into understanding the theory behind. When in doubt I was always told it’s an inexplicable concept, a non sequitur, and we just need to keep trying hard, take the hits, bear the blows in the gut, face the odds and in that process, sometime later, achieve (rather WIN!) sweet success.

Those were the days when I was more attached to dolls, figurines, reading comics, treating myself to cakes and candies, going to school and coming back with truckloads of homework, coaxing mum and dad to take me to the nearest ice cream shop (which I still do), and buy me funky, shining clothes from the most flashy shop in the town. Most call it the nonchalant phase of life. Nothing much to complain about and nothing much to crib for. Life was going too fast and too simple and 'Struggle', in any fathomable manifestation, was a far cry for me!

As I grew up things slowed down, life became unsparingly less simple and people and relations were not what they used to be. Someone said 'Change is the only constant' and we so agreed to it. But I ask myself, change for what? For better or for worse? And it turns out; invariably for worse and seldom for better. Life is an unforgiving experience; it tunelessly keeps you on the edge.

The pressure to outscore others and be the shining star strips one of the natural charm and glow that one prided itself on. I’m sure to have differences of opinion on that but most would agree that even the ‘better’ was a ‘worse’ at the outset. It’s the choices we take and what we make of it that matters the most. Life moves very fast. It rushes us from heaven to hell in a matter of seconds. All you need is to be aware of those moments and make the most of them whether you’re busy doing something or contemplating life.

I’m a happy girl now! The ‘been-there-seen-that’ sort. When I look back in time I see a different me. I’m not what I used to be. Life has taught me lessons galore, made me a battle hardened warrior, and I’m ready to take on the world. The days I’ve finished, I’m done with. My life is what I make of it. No matter what, I am going to mess it up sometimes. But the good part is I get to decide how I’m going to mess it up!

That’s it!