“My family left me to die,

BUT I’VE FOUND MY HAPPINESS”

"My wrinkled countenance reflects my misery,
my dirt-lined nails exude my toil.
I'm.
A mother. A daughter.
A chaste. A sinner.
A women. An Indian."

The other day when I was out to capture poverty dwelling in slums for a photography contest, I met Anwari.

Anwari, 50, huddles around the dark, dirty sludge-laden meandering lanes of the Naza market, in Lucknow, day and night, playing a waste-picker.  In between gathering all dirt and sludge, the frail wrinkled woman smiles, and agrees to pose for me when Jahan, her best friend joins her. United by a common fate, the two women engross themselves in work and chatter, cherishing a friendship that goes beyond age, work hours and gossip.

Anwari’s parents abandoned her when she was in her metric. Being a girl and the only child to her parents proved fatal for her. Too young to shoulder the burdens of an unsupporting family and teenage trauma, she smiled through it all 40 years of life, with Jahan, as a waste gatherer!

It’s been five-years-and-a-half since Anwari was diagnosed with the cancer of the nasopharynx (nasal part of the throat). Back then, as a school girl in a village, she’d dismissed the headaches and fever as common flu. To avoid taunts from her alcoholic father, she suffered in silence. It was only when Jahan saw traces of blood running down Anwari’s nose, she realized something was horribly wrong with her best friend and she took her to a doctor. “I was going mad with pain. I’d scream for hours,” Anwari shudders. Tired of her outburst, Jahan decided to take her to her village, where her parents lived.

Jahan’s friendship brought Anwari a temporary relief, but her parents abandoned her for life this time.

“They don’t want me to live with them,” says Anwari. “Though I have explained that cancer isn’t contagious, they think they’ll get it from me.” Unable to bear the humiliation she faced every day, Anwari tried to commit suicide, and once again was consoled by Jahan.

A convulsion of pain ran across the length and breadth of my body and I sat there frozen. To begin a lighter conversation with Anwari, I spent an hour with her chatting about everything from her health to her favorites. Soon the old woman transformed to a bubbly teenager. Slowly the conversation drifted to Azam, a man in his late fifties, Anwari’s co-worker and also a cancer patient.

The old man is thin and gaunt with deep wrinkles in the back of his neck. The brown blotches of the benevolent skin cancer the sun brings from its reflection on the tropic sea were on his cheeks. Anwari considers him the perfect man for her. They are together all day. Oblivious to others, they find solace in each other. Anwari is wary of talking about him, but the shy smile at the mention of his name is testimony to the surreal bond they share at the second innings of their age. The duo is unaffected by the glares of the society. “He understands my pain better than anyone ever can, barring Jahan,” says Anwari. Azam has given her hope for a future she did not believe in. “I asked him, jokingly, if he’d marry me, and he said he would if he had his own house,” she blushes.

P.S. – Anwari and Azam are currently undergoing treatment at a local hospital, courtesy Jahan. 

Some "Marriages-Relationships-Aftermath -- Blah! Blah!" crap. 

 The fable of a multitude of so called modern relationships is a variation on a common theme: the conspiracy between men and women to murder the Powerful. Usually when we think of power, or two married souls ponder over it or even more when just two opposite sexes get pensive about the power of power.-they think of external powers, and of powerful people who have institutionalized “marriage” in the world. And being victimized by this powerful notion I used to think I needed a powerful man, someone who could protect me from the harshness and evils of the dirty world. What I've cum to realize is that evils of the ugly world that confront me every now and then-mostly when I’m all by myself-are a reflection of my own dilemma, my internal state, my mind. The powerful man I was looking for would be primarily, someone who supported me in keeping me on track spiritually and help me maintain clarity within me that life would pose fewer problems.

I no longer yearn for a husband who would say to me, “Don’t worry, honey. If they are mean to you, I’ll beat them up or buy them out”. Instead my only heart pines for a life partner who prays with me regularly so that fewer monsters from the outer world disturb me, and who, when they do, guides me to look within my own consciousness for answers to combat false patriarchal power.

And I believe this is what every girl and the woman in her desires in her perspective of the institution of marriage. Both men and women at some point in time do incline to marry. But how much of their desire is natural and how much of it is cultural is still remains a million dollar question. What is certainly natural is our desire for the beloved. What is cultural is our tendency to forget that a piece of paper cannot tie hearts together. The issue is not whether we marry but whether we allow any choice of lifestyle to impinge on their ability to fly.

I once heard someone say that women, married ones in particular can’t write for nuts. I don’t believe this is true, but I understand what it means. The crux of the matter is marriage is not a mere convention but it is often looked as one and, as such, will sink instead of uplifting a woman’s spirit.

Today, with the advent of technology and various social networking boards, I see relationships losing their sanctity. It’s all in the open, and it’s mostly more of open ones. Trust is ever losing. Like all other things, people flaunt break-ups and separation more prominently than engagements. One cheating on the other is a clichéd story. And the impact of these sites is so much that a girl literally ended her life reading her husband’s latest status about their ‘’spiltsville’!!!    

Huh! Is that all we value relationships for??? I’m afraid if our relationships agree to this in the affirmative!!!

Let technology serve our love for one another. And not for our mutual destruction. Let intelligence lead us to peace and not to war; to commitment that involves complete surrender. Let our actions be used to heal and not to further wound.

Being in a relationship means much more than fighting, cheating, doubting, and then separating! And as women we must keep this message alive. We must understand its importance and relay it to others. Whispering it in the dark and shouting it in the light of the day.

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Yeaaaah! I’m done. That’s it!

Fashion just got trendier this summer!

Kurtas with leggings, cropped pants, multiple skirts, cotton tees and tanks – Hey girls!!! I've got you some quirky summer fashion styles! 
(With expert inputs from Abhijeet Sunny).

Whether you are planning on spending a day at the poolside, frolicking on the beach or simply running under the sprinkler, cool summer wear for hot lazy summer days is a must. Keep the heat at bay and look stylish and hip throughout the season. Beginning with the most basic of summer requirements – Shorts and Cropped Pants - The rising temperatures seek out the rising hemlines to make a hot fashion statement. Bermudas, both short and long, and a variety of cropped pants; capris, gauchos and ankle length pants are in this summer, besides the comfortable, cool, airy, easy-to-wear outfits.

That's just how women like their clothes to be during summers and what's better than our Indian kurtis, salwar-kurtas and saris to beat the heat?

While some of my friends vouch for the Indian wear, others simply fall for western counterparts. For all our lazzy lasses Indian clothes serve the purpose to the T. They are airy, breathy, loose and size-friendly and so they are best suited for the season which lasts for almost eight months. "Nothing other than the kurtas teamed with jeans, churidaar or loose salwars make me feel at ease during the peak summer season", tells my best pal to me, and I laugh heartily at her little nose trying its best to align itself to a thousand facial expressions displayed in a fraction second! "Zoya, you're impossible! And I love for you for it", I said. 

Anyway, the point to be driven home is if the thought of lots of bare skin this summer makes you want to hide under a baggy cardigan, take a fresh look at how to make fashion work for you right now. Nowadays, kurtis can be teamed up with leggings as well, or with those desirous what they call it 'dhoti' salwaars, which gives it a cool trendy "cut above the rest' look. And I believe girls and women alike are really keen on wearing denim capris and lose tank tops for the comfort that they provide. 

But but but....! Here comes the twist. My dear friend Abhijeet Sunny, a promising name in the glamour world, a fashion designer by profession and a fashionista at heart is not of the idea that Indian women tend to wear more Indian clothes during summer. 'Although I agree that Indian clothes make you feel free, fashion trends in India have changed. Indian women have come off age with respect to their style statements. Chic is in vogue, for all seasons. The Indian-ness in the clothes is alive but in a different way. They wear tunics with huge hats, stilettos with polka dot shorts, English bail-bottoms with camouflage print camisole tees, skull print Bermudas, animal prints with jeweled collars, tiger face motifs and high strap sandals to go with. They are experimental, off track, unusual, contemplative and yes, in rhythm, on beat! I don't think many young women would be seen sporting a salwar-kameez unless it is for a formal occasion,' continued Abhijeet, and I, without blabbering much, nodded dutifully.

On second thoughts, I did agree gone are the days when girls felt uneasy wearing short-lengths or, for that matter, they hesitated endorsing western stuff. Now, it all wraps around sporting the newest trend, be it college or your workplace. We have all the more freedom to experiment with our wardrobe with these new skirts which are the best to beat the heat, but in finding your perfect skirt length, a word of caution for all my lovely beautiful women here. My fashion wisdom says a skirt's width should never be more than its length to transform you into a summer fashion diva. 

And then even the scorching heat can't stop you ladies from sashaying around this summer with the season's 'it' look. So go ahead you beauties, summer fashion is again at your feet!

Its a matter of time. Give it time. 

Sometimes you 'HAVE TO' settle with destiny's cards...

Even when you deserve more, and your conscience ticks you off a loser! You develop a hateful vehemence for yourself. Every passing second your world seems inching closer its end. 

Doomed, cracked into N pieces, smashed to smithereens, you do acquiesce to life's mockery. The dream you chased religiously drains you out of the last drop. For little you knew in the beginning the loss of it could be so devastating. 

Forlorn you remain, battling hard to prevent your worst fears stare you in the eye! You writhe in pain. You scream, shout; grapple to hold on...

Courage becomes a pretense when you long only for your time to come by!

Yeah 'Time'.

It hurts hard. It heals forever.

The next time you plan a break, head for Goa - the land of sun, sand, and surfing! 

Ever wondered what is common to breathtaking land forms  thickly forested hills, sun-kissed and palm-fringed beautiful beaches, exotic parties, a honeymoon getaway and a bowl of prawn curry served hot! No prizes for guessing, GOA it is! As one paces up the pebble roads that circumvent round dense green forests, one can’t help but marvel at the natural beauty that thrives in this most sought after holiday destinations in the world! And yes, of course, the warmth and cordiality that Goans exude makes this tiny yet striking state an absolute holidaymaker’s paradise. 

Timeline

With the western Konkan belt lacing its coastal territory, this ‘Pearl of the Orient’ was formerly a Portuguese colony until 1961 when it became a union territory of the Indian union and was conferred state hood in 1987, hence becoming the 25th state of India. Conjointly, Goa’s soul delves deep into its unique history that, on one hand, legends Lord Parshuram, an incarnation of Lord Vishnu, with its creation, and on the other deems in St Francis Xavier as its progenitor!

Exotic Beaches of Goa

If you happen to be a stickler for parties, night clubs and discos, then friends, north Goa is the ultimate beach spot you got to hit on.  And that’s not it! For those ‘just-married’ hearts that covet for some cosy personal honeymooning, south Goa boasts of a perfect blend of stunning scenic beauty, serenity and tranquility!

Anjuna Beach

Post an 18km road-drive from the capital city of Panaji, awaits you the north ‘Goa freak capital of the world’, the hub of late moonlit dance parties with loud floor burning music, to give you a real high! And still if you are left with the nerve of experiencing some more adrenalin rush, then go, run to let your body loose as you para glide in the lucid azure sky, windsurf on the gushy foamy waters and play a yachtie on the Arabian sea.

Colva Beach

A 180’ turn from the Anjuna beach for a drive of some 40kms from Panaji lands you on a 20 km emerald stretch dotted with rows of swaying palm trees, a long silver sand shoreline bathed by the fresh sea breeze. Colva beach besides cocooning romanticism also prides itself in being the largest and the oldest beach of Goa and is a must see for all seeking a laid back holiday vacation.

Calangute Beach

16km from Panaji you bump into another spot where the sea and the sun mingle in perfect harmony! Once a quiet fishing village, this ‘Queen of the beaches’ also is witness to the footprints of a lazily, hand-in-hand, strolling couple on its sands. Being the largest commercial resort of Goa, Calangute beach bursts with its three Ss: Sun, Silver Sand and Sea food. And for the same reason is home to a multitude of international tourists.

Baga Beach

Sandwiched between the Colva and the Colangute, lies this perfect getaway from the hustle bustle of the city. Nestled at the confluence of river Mandovi and river Zuari, Baga beach gives you your most awaited dolphin and backwater crocodile spotting thrill as you marinate in the sun there or go paddle boating!

Holy Churches

Goa has a vibrant cultural diversity that seeps deep into the social fabric and makes it synonymous with churches. Living testimonies to the legacy of indo colonial architecture, these churches make Goa the ROME-OF-THE-EAST!

 Basilica of Bom Jesus 

The silver casket, enclosing the mortal remains of St Francis Xavier, contained in this 16th century archetype speaks volume about the unwavering faith that Goans stem in their founder. 

So folks, on visiting this famous, inlaid with precious stones and beautifully glided altar church, don’t forget to light the candles given to you by your guide at the church entrance; coz if traditional beliefs are anything to go by, and the candles lit by you don’t extinguish even once before they completely burn themselves out, then you’re the lucky one man! Go! All your wishes would be granted!!!

Church of Saint Francis of Assisi 

Right across the Basilica in old Goa, is standing another 16th century superstructure, the most striking feature of which is the Golden Bell hanging in the topmost tower of this church. Though you wouldn’t get a chance to ring the bell, (I know its... Awww! Sad!), yet clambering up the apples and pears leading to the bell tower will certainly give you a real view of the largest bell in the world. A sight worth the plight!

Shri Bhagvati temple

Oh yes! How can one forget the epitome of female grace, grandeur and power- the Ashtbhuja that reins over Goa – Maa Durga. Located in Pernem, the temple displays the blend of Indian and Portuguese architecture, the most impressive part being the two imposing elephant statues at its entrance. And Guys! Do have a sneak peak at the shopping market in the by lanes that lead to this temple! Also, lots of ‘Nariyal-pani’ available there!!!

Goan Cuisine

Awesome was the word reverberated amongst the other tourists, in a candid chitchat with me, as they went on describing the mouth watering Goan delicacies. I mean seriously, all thanks to the vast water expanse that engulfs Goa, this exiguous state thrives in sea food – prawns, mackerels, sardines, crabs and lobsters are most popular both with the visitors and the locals. While fish and rice remain the staple diet in Goa, the travellers have a plethora of spicy and non vegetarian dishes that their tastes buds would identify with. Owing to the Indo-Catholic orientation of the Goan cuisine, the Fish Sarpotel-a preparation of diced fish flavoured with Portuguese vinegar and sautéed with Indian spices is a must try! Trust me. You’d love this delectable delicacy!

Goan Feni distillation

Feni

And then is FENI, to wash all that down!

Sitting on the sun kissed Calangute beach, staring into the blue Arabian Sea, holding a bowl of Feni... you couldn’t ask for a better heady concoction. FENI is a local refreshing drink that has a distinct aroma and comes in two variants: Coconut and Cashew. An alcoholic beverage that doubles up as a cocktail, Feni is the first drink in India to possess a GI (geographical indicator), a sign that authentic Feni can only be sourced from Goa. Double distilled, pure in colour, this drink sells brand GOA to the world. Point to be noted: Fenni shouldn’t be left untouched!!!

Goa Carnival

Celebrated every year in the month of February and spanning over 3 days and 3 nights, this is the most awaited time of the year when the entire Goa is soaked in dance, fun, music and food providing a fulsome entertainment to young and old alike. What was once a rowdy affair full with street fight and lavish food has now transformed itself into an improved not-to-be-missed Avatar. All hell breaks loose during these three days, as people come together to celebrate the most colourful festivals of Goa. 

Right at start you stand a chance to be the king of the carnival, also called the King of Chaos, ‘momo’, and preside over it for the next 3 days. The days and nights are all fun filled, the streets have floats pouring in, live bands playing loud and the frenzy is on an all time high. Carnival brings out the best in you so if haven’t had enough of Goa, Go Carnival!

Goa Wildlife Sanctuary

Blessed with mesmerising natural beauty and dense forests, Goa offers an ideal haven for its vibrant wildlife. Home to myriad species of birds and animals, Goa also houses the ‘Gaur’, the state animal and ‘Yellow Bulbul’, the state bird. 

Move into the hearts of Goa and you might chance upon flying lizards, kingfishers, elephants, oysters, sloth bear, giant squirrels and hold your breath… A Tiger! Thousands of migratory birds, including cranes and pelicans can also be spotted in and around the river Mondovi. So now you know, there is something really ‘wild’ in Goa besides the ‘wild’ parties!

And do let me know whenever u're heading for Goa! I'll always have something interesting to tell....

But before that have a look at these! 

The dockyard as visible from the out tourist bus. 

The various colorful cruise at the dockyard. Its beautiful! 

Yes it is! The Central Jail of Goa! 

Our Cruise. Isn't it mesmerizing!!!

Coral Queen was her name!

The famous bungalow of a diamond businessman. The palace where "HASEENA MAAN JAYEGI" was filmed! 

The wax museum in Goa. displaying the "Last Supper". The statues are made of wax, that can melt at room temperature.

The meandering roads of Goa! 

The birth of Jesus displayed at the wax museum! 

Para sailing was so much fun!

The folk dances at our cruise!

Needless to say anything!

The Bridge visible at a distance behind the ships is the same on which the stars of Dhoom 2 raced, and several parts of the movie were filmed! Wow, what a thrill!!! 

This day, that year…

Lucknow to me is still peculiar!!! 

The gentle, laid-back Tehzib, so reminiscent of the city of Nawabs has given way to the fast-lane junky-funky style of the GenX and I fall in love with Lucknow again this year, as nostalgia takes over and I rewind the transitional journey of this incredible city.. 

I guess this is a fundamental wiring fault in my brain that I keep pondering a lot, over issues which might be of very little importance to all others, but to me they become a subject of vehemence. Somebody once told me “a writer’s expertise lies in seeing the extraordinary in the ordinary, and then producing one piece of literature that becomes a rarity!!!” Huh! As if it is so easy! I said to myself, today, as I sat by myself and reclined on my favorite wooden chair to allow sunlight kiss my being. (The only cool thing about winters is the sunlight!) And as I was thinking about the nuances of the world around me, with closed eyes and an “enlightened Buddha” smile on my face, something that shook me off my near-to-attaining-enlightenment-stage was a thought about my city, my Lucknow! 

Yes! Surprisingly, Lucknow is the only city in contradiction with itself. In fact, it would be deluding, on my part, to call it "a city". Picturesque and mostly peaceful, Lucknow, in spite of bursting at its seams with an ever-overflowing populace and being perpetually clamorous, still retains an old-world spaciousness and a disarming laidback demeanor. Situated on the banks of the river Gomti, a tributary of the mighty Ganges, Lucknow has an "atmosphere" all of its own - one which appeals to the romantic in each one of us. The river lazily meanders along as its snakes its way through the city, bisecting it into two turbulent halves…and each half unfolds its own interesting tale to me! 

Straddling both banks of the Gomti River, the crowded canvas of Lucknow limns vast contrasting features which easily blend with each other. From 'Paan' to Pastas, 'maqbaras' to malls, 'chatpati chat' to candid coffees... Lucknow is one place whose every facet is at its zenith, and I just love it. While Lucknow can be proud of huge tempting malls on one hand, the elegance and grace of 'hamara purana Lucknow' is no less bewitching to me on the other. "The 'nafaasat' and 'nazakat' have still held back their grandeur and appeal till date. 'Adaab' is the very first word reverberated when I see people greet their loved ones, besides exchanging warm love laden hugs. And what’s extremely exciting to me is recalling one of those rainy days when I hung out with my gang of girls, and went nuts clicking photographs of all that came our way under the sun! Or no! For that day I would say “under-the-rain”. And in that moment of ecstasy I looked around and found that even on such rainy days satisfying appetite at the road side 'dhabaas' still remains a fashion incorrigible for all the devotees of simplicity, and the likes of me !!!. ;-) 

All through 2012, when I had ample time on my hands to sneak peek into the real Lucknow and see it as a city from an observer’s eye, I realized the most unmistakable aspect of Lucknow is its people. Primarily because they are everywhere - hanging out of buses, queued in front of cinemas, jostling on the sidewalks - they are just all over the place. "Lucknow is an old style shopper's paradise. The city is fit for all those who still believe that the art of shopping is a divine gifted quality that can only be mastered upon in the congested alleys of old bazaars of Aminabad and Nakhass and Chowk, and not in some air-conditioned malls located in a plush locality. Blended in history, these shopping places also are frequently used as the popular means of passing time and lazy strolling. This does not come as a surprise for a city that is not only famous for its lethargy but also has a sense of pride over it, isn’t it! 

And today when the rest of the world is uprooting itself from its ethical codes and adhering to extreme urbanization, crime rates are soaring doubly high, and women are getting increasingly unsafe, Lucknow stands as an exceptional example of a city which symbolizes grace without losing out on its pace. SANTROs and i-10s might be flooding the roads of innovative Lucknow, but there are still lovers of the 'Tonga' ride! Exchanging greetings at the 'nukkad wala' tea stall and then indulging into crispy gossip with friends while going on a long 'tanga savaari' still fascinates the oldies! Besides, another mesmerizing facet of this city of Nawaabs is the enchanting sweetness and divinity that flows from the language of Urdu. The 'Qawwalis' and the 'Mushaira' séance in the serpentine lanes of Old Lucknow are just the thing to satiate all buffs of Sufism and romanticism respectively, and they transport me to a different world altogether! 

However, nevertheless, the mall culture and retail boom are re-inventing the face of Lucknow making it an urban utopia. With the opening of several swanky new malls, and several others in the pipeline, Lucknow is boasting of designer labels, hypermarkets – all under one roof. Shopping has never been a more pleasurable experience for Lucknowites. And it’s amazing to see how fast Lucknow is changing. Previously I would head for the metros for my favorite brands but today everything’s a square kilometer away. One of my aunt, who always has an opinion on everything under the sun, and who couldn't miss going to “The” Lucknow Mahotsav this year as well, said, “What is interesting in the Mahotsav is depiction of the city itself which is so synonymous with its culinary like Lucknow's famous, the 'Tunda Kavabi', 'Kulcha-Nihari', Biryani, Paya and Halim. Ye to cheap and best hai ji”, she said in a voice soaked in enthusiasm and honey. Never mind I thought, aunts are all always the same!!! 

And the urban Lucknowites, like my aunt, also know how to let their hair down and party if the Page-3 parties in the city are anything to go by. With themes ranging from Caribbean Nights to Indian Weddings, at swanky lounges and prominent hotels, apna Lucknowites are party-hearties! From Teej celebrations to a recently held wine fest which boasted of everything from cocktails, cakes and chocolates to wine Pani Puris, I see people really don't need a reason to party anymore! Don't you feel everything is happening! I think the theme song "Hum Lukhnavi zabardast," of a recently launched FM radio station, aptly describes modern Lucknow, what say!!! 

And yes! Some might say that Lucknow has moved miles away from the graceful Tehzib of the 'Pehle aap' generation, to the step-aside, grab-it-all fast lane – the jazzy cars and snazzy styles, the change hasn’t been significant enough to lessen my love for my city! 

Perhaps only time will tell what's our loss and what's our gain! 

It's a blot on society Santa, where are you!!!

"Damini is still critical Santa, where are you?

An under-eighteen girl, today in Mumbai, has been raped again Santa, where are you?

A busted sex racket, today in Mumbai, said one among four girls was immersed in a water drum in this bone chilling cold, Santa where are you?

A girl patient in Sagar hospital was gang raped again by the hospital's sweepers Santa, where are you?

The grand daughters of Mother Mary (as Lord Jesus is our Father) are being molested, harassed and disrespected Santa, where are you?

Policemen baffled, protesters lathi-charged, women bruised, India gate sealed, metros barred, a cop lost, the PM realizing he's the father of 3 daughters only after a week, the President expressing "grief" the day following the PM's realization and the government still probing the recklessness of the Delhi police in the whole case...

Santa...where are you???

All my life I've grown up learning Santa is the harbinger of peace, harmony and happiness! But this Christmas my faith in the very existence of Santa stands shaken, dwindled, and waning. The emotions within me are all battered and churned up! I yearn to shout but my voice gets muffled! I stop to catch a breath and but have to run again! I fight for my freedom but rarely am allowed to enjoy it! I seldom step out late in the night lest the 'unthinkable' should happen! I grow up being coy, homely and sacrificing and in the end I’m afraid I might lose it all! I want to be heard but end up listening to my father-husband-son!

I don't want to be the 'case study' of society! I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me ! I don't want people to show fake mannerisms of respecting women! I don't want the police to protect me! I don't want the courts to speed up the trials! I don't want help lines that are never answered! I don't want anyone to suggest me the proper dress to wear, proper time to move out and right person to be with!

I'm proud to be a WOMAN! If the society doesn't wake up to me, it might be in for a severe jolt that'd bring it out of slumber permanently! And this time it won't be a slap in the wrist, this time it could get really worse!! My strength is ME! My weapon is ME!
It's time the world must know what it feels and how it feels when a GIRL hits back and hits back with full force!!!
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Enough said, time to ACT !
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And I do miss Santa everywhere, every moment.
But reality has made Santa a fairy tale character for me now!
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Christmas, I wish all a very merry one! But...
Santa...!!! Are you???

Mum is the word for me!! 

   

 “I really missed my Mum’s everything while I was hostelling. Most weekends and sometimes days in between, I would take a few hours break away from the frenzy of the rat race and go and sit quietly, recalling the days spent with her. Over time these quiet hours became an invaluable part of my week. Mum's thoughts would greet me with a radiant smile, Everyday back at home we were so happy to see each other, and for an hour or two we would be encased in the purity of love without any agenda or selfishness. Those hours spent with Mum were precious interludes where I could sort through the clutter in my mind, smooth out the wrinkles in my emotions and allow myself to breathe. Mum’s presence was a tonic, allowing me to see with renewed clarity how foolish my worries were. As I held her shaky hand and stared into her warm eyes, I’d throw my anxiety into the rubbish bin, realizing the triviality of my fears.”

Take a pause and re read! Do you notice a subtle allusion to an impalpable protagonist here? A certain protagonist, not in flesh and blood, but is still felt, rather, abstractly? Don’t you not fail to notice that there’s a relationship, within layers of emotions, that connects the two ladies in the story? Yes! You’re right! Those two ladies are my mum and me! Together we’ve shared a relationship that traverses both time and age, and still overwhelms us so much so that we chose not to let go of this bond ever.

Right after my birth, the first person I came face to face was my mother. The person who held me straight up in her palms was my mother. And therefore of all the primal relationships that I've shared in my life, the one with my mother stands out. It’s a unique blend of warmth, proximity, self-honesty, bitter-sweet arguments, occasional blow ups, and a healthy obsession that does not only stands the test of time but also evolves and improves over the years. And this observation, apparently, throws up a few questions...

Isn't she into boyfriend stuff and all? Well, if you think so, in all probability you are wrong! Chances are that even as the battle for boyfriends gets fiercer amongst Gen Y, here’s another small town girl who lives up that very special bond of her life with her mum. Yes! Hands that once rocked my cradle today play my soul mate. Laughable as the perception may be, but then whether you have a great mother-daughter relationship or one that can be improved, you probably know that a mother-daughter bonding starts at an early age.

When I was five, she was a goddess. I smeared my face with her lipstick and modeled her earrings and high heels, wanting to be just like mommy. That's the way it was until I was about thirteen, when she suddenly became the most ignorant, benighted, out-of-touch creature on the planet, and I couldn’t get far enough away from her. My primary form of interaction for the next five years or so was a single word, "Mooooooooooooommmmmmm!" And then, somewhere between my teens and twenties, I was really lucky; she became my best friend again.

Each of us has a special need to be seen and to be noticed by our mothers, and that's why the loss of one's mother can be so devastating. In a letter at the beginning of Hope Edelman's book, Motherless Daughters, a woman whose mother died when she was thirteen wrote: ''No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and her daughter. It's the original relationship, and it's also a relationship that has been sentimentalized but not honored never realizing the fact that no one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. I lost my mother twelve years ago when I was thirteen. One of the most painful things I realized when my mom died was that I would never again be loved as unconditionally (in this life) as a mother loves.''

Many married women concur that a daughter's need for her mother is biologic, and it continues throughout her life. Not only is my mother's body the source of life for me but also it was her face that I look to, to see how we are doing. When I asked a woman in her thirties how she feels about her mum, she said, “My relationship with my mom has not even changed a bit. The quality of attention we receive as babies determines in part how worthy we feel to be here on the planet. And today, even as an educated adult women, I keep going back to the same well of maternal attention to see if we're okay and lovable and to check out how we're doing."

You can't measure the love between a mother and a daughter. What makes our bond so special and unique is the unconditional love between the two of us, which never demands anything but, gives the utmost it has. Those deep emotions and that profound love, I bet, if can be found anywhere. The mother-daughter bond is designed by nature to become the most empowering, compassionate, intimate relationship that one ever will have. Every girl always spends a quality, personal time with her mother. Though personally I acknowledge that the culture at large plays a significant role in our views of us as women, ultimately the beliefs and behavior of our individual mothers exerts a far stronger influence. Even today, when girls seek contemporaries to confide their sentiments in, I have always found a soul mate in my mom. And we'll always strive to be the best of friends on earth.

It was following this that I, finally recognized the real book that was trying to come through me; not a doctor's parenting manual for mothers and daughters, but an entirely new and empowering way of looking at the mother-daughter relationship. An attempt to find a way to help women of all ages-whether or not they are raising a daughter-heal themselves physically and emotionally at the deepest possible levels.